My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
