Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
