the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Lo siento on account of my penis...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
