the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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