Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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