if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
