I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
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Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
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