If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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