I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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