i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
