I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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