it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
