ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
worst night to have a conscience
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just pee around me
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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