So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
