I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
