You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
