if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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