Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
