those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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