I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Randomize
