a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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