when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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