I need help removing her.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
