Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
