remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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