I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
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I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
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the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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