After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
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I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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