I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
