I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
