ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
