david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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