I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I can't turn off my feet"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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