Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
