I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
