god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
