I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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