I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
