I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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