apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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