Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
