Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
