Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
