my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
