hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
