there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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