I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
