I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
