I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Randomize
