I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
