A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
