I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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