chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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