I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
