I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
