Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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