Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
